So tonight was a great night. I was invited out to eat wiht the entire staff of wright hall. I turned it down for several reasons which i will explain later. later on i got to play volleyball, and made some really nice ppl. (would not call them friends just yet) later i was invited to play monopoly. this was a great way to end the night. we started with ra on 9,8,6,5,2, arhd, and me. it was so much fun. i feel like i am finally been fully integrated into this staff. we all watched jurassic park talk about a blast. it was quite enjoyable. after some ppl left i got to stretch out and 9and 6 floor ra were jostling me (joking around) and i got to rebound. i feel like i can hang with the big boys and it was fun. i have become a lil more confident in Kyle's room, it has been really good. I still refuse to eat in his room. which brings me to why i did not go out to eat with the staff.
1. I don't know how many ppl left to go, but I remember when there was only three ra's in the building, I could not leave the rest of the staff to do that.
2. i feel uncomfortable when I eat. i hate when ppl watch me. My parents always told me that i eat like a pig, eat too fast, and it is still a lil bit there.
3. I am nervous that even though i got paid today that i wont have enough money for everything else.
4. I did not know what everyone was going to wear, i did not want to overdress under dress, or i just dont want to be the odd one out.
thiis should be all for tonight, but i had an amazing time talking to the staff and look forward to the next couple weeks should be FUN!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
First Time, truth and honesty
Well there have been times where i have allowed people to dictate what i do, how i live, what to say, how to act, and who to be. this is an oath to be completely honest.
So I have this problem, when i hear things, I remember things for a long period of time, then say what i have known to the wrong people. I have lost so many people this way and I am sick of it. I am a person who relies on people to the point of exhaustion and am terribly awfully sorry about those.
My family is a mess. I was born out of an affair, my mother was being beaten by current husband at the time. I was found out my father said he would pay for an abortion. I know I shouldn't hold this against my father but I am sometimes a little bitter. My father was not at the hospital when I was born and he cheated on my mother once. My father also changed my hands from left to right. this is generally not a big deal but I am resentful nonetheless. (Sorry Dad. I still love you)
My mother is not too fond of his family, they did not show up to his wedding, my dad was crushed. my mom told me he waited by the door the entire night and I will never forget what they did to him. The family was told by my grandmother not to come to the wedding because she did not approve of my mother. My mother to this day still does not like them.
which brings me to my darkest hours of my life. Summer 2008 my father was invited to go to my cousin's wedding in Tennesee.It was a nightmare. I got separated from my family, called my uncle and he called my parents. things hit the fan. by the end of it my mom was called out by my dad's family, we left mom stated we are going to get a divorce, and she blamed me for the nightmare. ever since she continually to tells me how horrible my father is, how stupid, inept, and a failure he is. she continually whenever I come home goes on a rampage how bad my father is and how within the next six months he is going to be out of the house. So that is so cool.
2 years ago during Christmas break 2008, my family was going through some financial difficulties. I decided that on January 5, at 10:00 at night I would run away and end my life. I thought that I was one less burden, one less financial problem would be lessened. That if I was not here, things with them would be easier. I took a butcher knife with me and walked from my hometown to a nearby own, I thought after walking an hour it would be best to end my life. I layed down in the snow which was three feet thick, by a grove of trees, and held the knife to my neck. I stayed like this for fifteen minutes waiting for the cold to kill me or should i cut my neck. I decided that i could not go through this. I got up went to a post office, asked a man for his cell phone called my dad, he came and picked me up. I hid the knife in my boots, he never saw it, and went to my room, and threw away my suicide note.
This brings me to my greatest fear. I do not want to die but always since this moment i have wished death to come upon me. like everytime i cross a street my mind goes to maybe a drunk driver will kill me. I know this sounds sick, morbid and dark but I am better. I am not ever going to intentionally harm myself again, but there are times when I know that there are people who I am burdening with my problems and no one deserves that. Everyone has problems, they don't need mine.
I have found though that no matter how much there is I do wrong I think i try to do good, I try to be the person who everyone rellies on in hopes that when I need someone all those who I have helped will help me. I HOPE. I know this is selfish but I want people to look at me and say he did a lot, he made a difference. I have tried to take positions and I feel good when I do good, but enough is never enough. My parents expect so much out of me. I have tried to please them and when I don't I know it hurts them. They have sacrificed so much for me and I am truly indebted to them, I will pay it back.
everything I have done I have tried to do it well. I have learned this semester that if you are apart of something great, it makes you great. Wright Hall Staff is incredible and I know i have been hanging on the coattails of the former RA but I feel that I have been welcomed with open arms. it makes me feel good that the staff has been so concerned and I love all of them and will never be able to repay what they have given me. I have never really been invited to something and followed through. there are two RA's who I see as cliche as it is "the cool kids" and they joke around witth me and include me in things. Ever since grade school the guys have thought I wwas gay and these guys wouldn't care if i was or not. they still include me and they help me, ggenerally help me. there is another SRA who has taught me so much about myself, my prejjudices and myself and I can never repay her.
Sorry for the long blog post but i have learned that people will help and care about you even if you dont care about yourself.
So I have this problem, when i hear things, I remember things for a long period of time, then say what i have known to the wrong people. I have lost so many people this way and I am sick of it. I am a person who relies on people to the point of exhaustion and am terribly awfully sorry about those.
My family is a mess. I was born out of an affair, my mother was being beaten by current husband at the time. I was found out my father said he would pay for an abortion. I know I shouldn't hold this against my father but I am sometimes a little bitter. My father was not at the hospital when I was born and he cheated on my mother once. My father also changed my hands from left to right. this is generally not a big deal but I am resentful nonetheless. (Sorry Dad. I still love you)
My mother is not too fond of his family, they did not show up to his wedding, my dad was crushed. my mom told me he waited by the door the entire night and I will never forget what they did to him. The family was told by my grandmother not to come to the wedding because she did not approve of my mother. My mother to this day still does not like them.
which brings me to my darkest hours of my life. Summer 2008 my father was invited to go to my cousin's wedding in Tennesee.It was a nightmare. I got separated from my family, called my uncle and he called my parents. things hit the fan. by the end of it my mom was called out by my dad's family, we left mom stated we are going to get a divorce, and she blamed me for the nightmare. ever since she continually to tells me how horrible my father is, how stupid, inept, and a failure he is. she continually whenever I come home goes on a rampage how bad my father is and how within the next six months he is going to be out of the house. So that is so cool.
2 years ago during Christmas break 2008, my family was going through some financial difficulties. I decided that on January 5, at 10:00 at night I would run away and end my life. I thought that I was one less burden, one less financial problem would be lessened. That if I was not here, things with them would be easier. I took a butcher knife with me and walked from my hometown to a nearby own, I thought after walking an hour it would be best to end my life. I layed down in the snow which was three feet thick, by a grove of trees, and held the knife to my neck. I stayed like this for fifteen minutes waiting for the cold to kill me or should i cut my neck. I decided that i could not go through this. I got up went to a post office, asked a man for his cell phone called my dad, he came and picked me up. I hid the knife in my boots, he never saw it, and went to my room, and threw away my suicide note.
This brings me to my greatest fear. I do not want to die but always since this moment i have wished death to come upon me. like everytime i cross a street my mind goes to maybe a drunk driver will kill me. I know this sounds sick, morbid and dark but I am better. I am not ever going to intentionally harm myself again, but there are times when I know that there are people who I am burdening with my problems and no one deserves that. Everyone has problems, they don't need mine.
I have found though that no matter how much there is I do wrong I think i try to do good, I try to be the person who everyone rellies on in hopes that when I need someone all those who I have helped will help me. I HOPE. I know this is selfish but I want people to look at me and say he did a lot, he made a difference. I have tried to take positions and I feel good when I do good, but enough is never enough. My parents expect so much out of me. I have tried to please them and when I don't I know it hurts them. They have sacrificed so much for me and I am truly indebted to them, I will pay it back.
everything I have done I have tried to do it well. I have learned this semester that if you are apart of something great, it makes you great. Wright Hall Staff is incredible and I know i have been hanging on the coattails of the former RA but I feel that I have been welcomed with open arms. it makes me feel good that the staff has been so concerned and I love all of them and will never be able to repay what they have given me. I have never really been invited to something and followed through. there are two RA's who I see as cliche as it is "the cool kids" and they joke around witth me and include me in things. Ever since grade school the guys have thought I wwas gay and these guys wouldn't care if i was or not. they still include me and they help me, ggenerally help me. there is another SRA who has taught me so much about myself, my prejjudices and myself and I can never repay her.
Sorry for the long blog post but i have learned that people will help and care about you even if you dont care about yourself.
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